Practicing Moderation

Welcome to the post that finally pushed me into creating a 'safe space' for my words.

Here will be a reflection of a drastic change I have attempted to make over the last two months. It will involve the word 'moderation', but first, let's take a step back to let me explain my decision to create a site with a blog (I feel so millenial even just saying that...)

First of all, I know my blogs are all sorts of out of order, but you can see the journey of where it started by following the order of everything preceeding this.

Second of all, I use writing as a form of healing. Being able to put my words out and getting feedback that they have reached someone who needed them... Well, it's amazing, to say the least. I am by no means a professional in the matter, but I do have experience and a way of sharing that. So I hope to share my stories to help others.

In the struggle, we often feel alone. We feel like no one else could possibly understand what we're going through. We think 'there's always someone who's got it worse'. Sure, that's great. But that does not make your feelings any less valid. Let's say that a little louder for the people in the back: YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

Moving on.

Last year, I jumped all in to a new health regimine. I drastically changed my diet, and dove head first to an 80-day workout challenge. And, I did it. I made it through. And then I started it again. And it was great. And my group kept telling me how awesome I am, and I fed into the praise and loved that I could overcome and succeed.

But then my little buddy guilt came around and took a nine iron to my face. Life got busy. People got sick. I had no time. And then I hated myself again. I was unforgiving to my inability to keep up with someone else's workout plan. I was unable to see that I had learned everything that I needed in order to move forward without restricting and constricting my life.

So, then, of course, I jumped all out. I dumped the daily exercises. I stopped restricting my meals, but something weird happened. My body had changed, and I no longer felt the need to go to the comfort foods. This fascinated me. I wanted to test this out. Could I actually live my life without feeling like I had to count calories or berate myself for wanting that ice cream?

Well, after two months, my weight (while fluctuating between the same 5 pounds), has stayed fairly stable. I eat when I'm hungry, and I forcefully say no when I'm not (this has been so important for me).

So, why am I currently ok with this? Well, I wasn't, actually. I was mean to myself, and then a friend sent me a quiz to tell you all about yourself based on how you view food.

"Fine, I'll do it," I said.

And I did. And the results made me defensive. So, I took it again. This time I changed some answers; entirely convinced it would change. Spoiler alert! It did not. Ok, fine. I'll listen.

I gave myself an hour to not be so defensive at something that was probably about to tell me things I wasn't ready to hear. I read it backwards, bottom up. It helps me to absorb because usually by that point, someone is talking to me like I already trust them rather than trying to hook me in.

Anyway, it told me what I probably knew in some deep crevice of my mind. I am an 'all or nothing' person. WHAT?! HOW DARE YOU?! Right? But, really. I am. I jump at every opportunity to do anything and everything, especially when it's for other people. So... I continued to read. I saw myself in the examples, and I saw what I could become in the suggestions.

Moderation.

This was the solution given to me. I sat on this for a long time, and it made so much sense. Particularly when it comes to loving myself (which is by far the hardest thing to do in the entire world). There is no moderation in my love for me. I needed to do this or become that in order for me to love me.

Why?

Why does loving others so unconditionally come incredibly easily to me, but loving myself comes with rules, guidelines, and requirements?

Because life hasn't been easy. I have trained my brain in some fucked up ways. I always thought I had to prove I was worthy of love in order for someone to love me, but really, I just didn't understand how to love myself, so I couldn't see that people already gave me that.

Moderation.

I can find workouts that fit my life and what I need right now. And guess what? That's OK. That. Is. O. K. I took a step back. I'm listening to my body. What is it that I need? That's great that you love this workout, but I hate it! And... that's OK.

So, I listen. I breathe in nature. I see life around me. I have a moment of feeling proud. Not of you, but of me. It's strange, but kind of nice.

I listen to my body. Are you hungry? Ok, let's eat. What time is it? Who the fuck cares. Planning meals by times seemed to make things worse. I would stress about needing to eat RIGHT NOW. That stress made me stress eat, which made me angry at myself, which made me eat more.

Now, after two months, I am nowhere near convinced that I have found the perfect solution for me. I am still working back in how I want to approach exercise, and I am learning to be ok with swimming and walks in nature as acceptable for being healthy. Though, I will admit that I don't like feeling strength fizzle away from the muscles I had gained. BUT. Moderation. That will come in time. In my time.

Moderation.

To keep my moderation going (probably, hopefully), updates to this site will be done in moderation. I hope that giving myself somewhere to post without worrying that I'm annoying the world of Facebook will help me to share more, but who knows.

I will continue my journey as much as I can. I will continue to practice sharing who I am and what I need from those closest to me. I will continue to practice saying 'no' to the appropriate people. And 'yes' to others.

And if you choose to take anything from this, I hope that it is that you are not alone. Your journey may differ from mine, but it doesn't make you less. We can use our similarities to help support and grow. You don't have to have gone through the ten deaths that I've experience the last three months to understand grief, but you do need to understand that what I need might be different than you in dealing with it. And that's OK.

I will continue to repeat these things, mostly because I need to hear them. But if you so happen to take something away from it to, then hot damn! Let's do this together!