Say YES!... To The Mood Changers

But only if you're ready or your doctor says it's a must.

WHAT?!

I know. It's confusing and scary and all of the things. That's part of why it took me over 3 years to commit to starting an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety regimen that didn't involve diet, exercise, and natural supplements.

The other part?

I'm stubborn as shit. I wanted to fix myself on my own.

"I CAN DO IT MYSELF!" shouted the Taurus in me.

And you know what? I did pretty damn good for a long time. I learned to cope and manage.

But I also learned to bury my emotions and tell myself I was just overreacting.

If you've read my other blogs, you know that my therapy journey didn't start because I felt like I needed therapy. But you know what? We all need therapy.

Why?

Because there are so many triggers and stimulations and emotions and unexplained things that we are constantly dealing with, and sometimes we aren't even aware they're going on.

For example, last year I spoke with my doctor about how I don't recover when I stop doing cardio. Like... it takes a good chunk of time. So, she prescribed an inhaler and an allergist. The inhaler is probably the dopest thing I have ever used, and I can't even begin to describe how nice it is to breathe.

Makes sense, yeah? How could I not know, right??

Well, because my mother didn't know she also has asthma. Nor did my sister. So our inability to breathe was just normal. It was how we dealt with things. I didn't end up wheezing on the ground like some of my friends with worse asthma, so I figured it was all fine.

But you know what? It could have been better.

And this leads me to my journey of starting Lexapro.

2019 was a constant barrage of loss. I thought I actually dealt with it pretty well. Therapy for sure helped. Paul and I discussed how depression is often a chemical imbalance of the brain, but just talking about needing to take something made me feel like a failure.

It's so easy for someone from the outside to see our struggle, but in our own little bubbles of despair, it's so easy to get lost and be stubborn and scared.

I was doing mostly alright during all the 2020 bullshit until we lost Ash. That was a big blow I wasn't ready to handle. And it came right at the time of changing jobs (which I'm not entirely sure if that helped or hurt the situation).

Anyway, that lead to poor diet, gaining 20 pounds, stressing about a new job, feeling worthless, spiral, spiral, spiraling!

So, Paul gently prodded, trying to get me to take something. I, of course, stubbornly refused, though I did bring it up to my therapist. She asked if I wanted to take something, and I said no. I was just starting weight loss and exercise programs. I wanted to try those first.

So, I did. And I lost weight. And I felt stronger. And I felt less depressed. But what I didn't feel was my massive anxiety going away.

Usually, I have anxiety and depression together. Often the depression is worse, but the anxiety was definitely winning out. And that difference only grew as I got healthier in my body.

So, I made the decision to talk to my therapist. One thing I need to make abundantly clear is that she spent the time to make sure this was something I wanted. "If you're doing it for someone else, it's not going to help. This has to be your decision. Something that you want to do."

And, she's right. I never would have accepted the results had I done it for someone other than me. I would have questioned if there was more I could have done. I would have regretted it and maybe even held a grudge. But the thing that pushed me the most was having a job that actually made me want to do better. To be better. It's so easy to sway people around you all the time. But to want to do it for you? Whoa. So if someone is actually pressuring you and they're not a doctor, maybe try to set some boundaries. And if your therapist is trying to force something on you and you don't feel comfortable, maybe find a new therapist... Anyway.

The next step? Talking to my primary doctor. This was simple because we had already previously discussed this option, so it was just a phone call to figure out dosage and schedule a follow-up to check-in.

So, that day, I started. The first 5 days were rough. I couldn't sleep, but I also needed to sleep at random times (aka lots of naps). I had a headache. I didn't want to eat. I felt wonky, but I also felt things. The first two weeks (a half dose and then a full dose) consisted of me needing to nap for at least 20 minutes after taking my pill, but then I would mostly be ok to go through my day. My body felt a little heavier than it normally did, but my mind felt light.

After I started feeling better, I was informed that a couple of my humans had been worried and wanted to know the best way to help me. They did some research and kindly discussed how to help me without stressing me out more. The best way? Be patient. Be supportive. Just let us know you're there. Don't try to change us. Don't try to "make us better". That really has to be our journey. And sometimes it's a journey we didn't realize we'd been on for years.

For example, I noticed about two weeks in how long anxiety had been affecting my life. It wasn't just recent years, it was at least since my early adolescent years.

I started testing out what would make me feel anxious, but then I also struggled a little bit with that because experiencing no anxiety makes you not as great at dealing with it the next time. Think of it like stepping out into the cold from a hot shower. When you get back in, that hot shower that you had gotten used to might now burn your skin until you get used to it again. It's not a forever thing, it's just a getting used to thing.

Trust me. You're totally capable. How do I know? Because you've likely gotten used to anxiety and depression like I did. So you didn't realize what the normal, outside world could feel like. You didn't know that you might actually be burning yourself, but you'd become so numb, so used to it, that you didn't realize.

Anyway, I really just wanted to put this out there because I know how much of a struggle it can be. I absolutely support my friends and family getting help and prescriptions, but I couldn't do it myself because there were so many questions.

With that, if you do have questions, please reach out. To me. To your doctor. To your therapist. To your friend. Someone. Talk it through. See if it is something you are ready for.

And, so. I leave you with one last thing. A lovely song from one of the shows that holds a special place in my heart. I hope you enjoy it and remember to give yourself some grace.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OG6HZMMDEYA