"It's Just a TV Show...."

I struggle with expressing the depths of things I enjoy. When I find something that brings me happiness, I fight myself to delve into it as much as I would like out of fear of the constant berating of being told I am obsessed. When visiting what the Merriam-Webster definition of the word obsession actually is, one would find: a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling broadly: compelling motivation I think my frustration comes from the negative connotations of the word. Obsession is something that is seen as unhealthy, uncontrollable, interrupting. However, what I see from the things people call obsessions are healing, love, support. My biggest fight is with my attachment to a show called Supernatural. Whether you love it, hate it, or just don't give a shit, know that this show has created a safe space for the people that dive in beyond the actors on a screen. This show has created a fandom that acts like a family. They take care of people, they give back, they donate to charities, they share their heart and soul. For years, I have kept myself at just a safe enough distance so that I could argue that I'm not obsessed. "I didn't buy the book. I don't have it all memorized. I have these shirts I bought to support a charity, but I won't wear it to that convention." Why? Why would I not even allow myself the grace to feel safe in a place where we all understand this family? Why can't I dive straight in? Why can't I allow myself to comment on that post when I want to? I'm scared. I'm frightened of what the rest of the world is going to judge me as when they see that I'm interacting actively with a fandom. Why? Because I'm afraid of it being taken away from me. If outside sources see it as simply an obsession that holds no value to me, and I can no longer have it, then I fear I will lose a part of me. There is a sense of disconnect from those outside of the fandom, the SPNFamily, which frustrates me simply because I don't know how to explain that it's not just a television show. It is so much more. The people involved create an environment that not only welcomes other actors, but they welcome each and every fan that loves it with open arms. It gave me a place of comfort when I struggled at the darkest depths of my depression. It reminded me that I'm never alone. It allowed me to hide behind a face no one knew and just live. So, when the announcement came earlier this year that season 15 would be the last, I refused to let the full extent of what that meant wash over me. I was thrilled that they were in control of calling the end. I was excited to see what the actors would be able to do in the world, what impact they could make when they had more time to do it. More time with their families. More time with charities. More time injecting the love that they so unabashedly poured into this show. The past few weeks as we come up on the start of the end, I have been hit more with what that means. No, I will never lose the family of the fandom that exists (seriously, look at Star Trek), but what does that mean for conventions? How often will this group get together and punch me in the face with their words of wisdom? What do I miss out on by not having a safe place to go and know that we are all there for love of what a show has created? Fear. Always being bathed... consumed by fear. The fear of losing myself. The fear of missed opportunities. The fear of losing the family that I have injected myself in to. Part of my hesitation to dive in headfirst is that I don't want to be called a bandwagoner. People are so quick to judge others for deciding to like something late in the game. I understand when it happens for sports because there are actually people who don't pay attention until a team has made it to the postseason, and then they jump on it. But there is also a part of me that wonders if they just don't want to share their celebration of the team during the regular season because people love to put you down as soon as you try to enjoy something. So, now, if I haven't shared why I love a show and it's in the last season, will I all of a sudden be berated for saying something about it? The answer is most likely no, but I still stress about it. The funny thing is, most of it isn't for myself, it's for the show. I don't want people to start talking shit about something they don't understand. If they haven't been exposed to what the experience means, then how can they possibly be talking shit about it now? As I've been letting myself take in what it is to enjoy something so fully, I have allowed myself to unapologetically comment on those things. Whether it be sports, music, or television, I have been giving myself permission to be me in my enjoyment of it. I have interacted in posts. I have made my own posts. Instead of lurking, I have started to make my presence known. Why is it so necessary for me to restrict myself when I so openly support others? What is it that makes it so ok for them and not me? If I started to treat myself like I treat others, how different will my own world be? How much easier will it be to accept that love for myself? I know I'm spiraling a bit with this all, but it honestly gets me very worked up. I pretend to keep it cool, but it is a big part of who I have become. It is not an obsession, but it is a safe place that continues to beg me to be unapologetically me. That being said, I hope you can all take a moment to look into your own life and figure out if there is something that you aren't giving yourself to because of what the world might think. What is something that helps you heal and feel safe that you avoid? I know I definitely avoid "letting go" when I dance for many of these same reasons. I don't want to overshadow. I don't want to be berated. I don't want to expose myself just to be told I'm foolish for doing it. But why in the fuck do I keep letting the "what ifs" of the rest of the world keep me from the things I love the most? Probably because I've spent too much damn time trying to protect everyone else that's inside. I'm like the bouncer watching from the door, keeping everyone inside safe so that they can enjoy themselves. But no one asked me to be there. No one assigned me to protect the world. We have all learned that we are stronger together, so why do I feel the need to keep myself separated? So, today, I shout it out to the world that I love Supernatural and the life it has given to me both in a world of fantasy and in the world where they exist as real humans. If you want to look more into what it is that they offer, check out a few RandomActs, Stands, GISH, The Wayward Podcast. The list goes on, but I just want to stress the good that still exists out there. Yes, they are celebrities with money who can do these things, but just a couple of weeks ago, the fandom came together and raised $280,000 by buying a shirt from Hot Topic that was created for the last season. The first batch sold out almost instantly, and they worked with Hot Topic to release more. The sheer compassion that this fandom has is astounding, and I refuse to feel embarrassed by being a part of that.