I Never Knew

There's something interesting about growing up. We are never really prepared for what is to come no matter how hard our parents, peers, teachers, siblings, etc may try to assist.

I'm starting to feel like part of this is from the way society tries to shape us. Even protect us.

Many of the friends that have remained in my life from high school and before had stories that they were never able to tell. Traumatic pasts that barred them from feeling like they could be everything they wanted. Things that have continued to haunt them until they learn the tools to manage it.

But why? Why do we feel so unable to explore and share our differences? Our experiences? The things that make us feel less?

Society has trained us that it's not ok to talk about things outside of a certain box, especially as a woman. If we try to share an opinion that is not the norm, we suddenly become a threat. We are hardly seen as someone strong, creative, resilient... Why?

We are told for so many years that emotions and feelings are bad, particularly for men. Emotions mean that you are not stable. Emotions solely belong to a woman because then a stable, emotionless man can take care of them. Right?

OK, I won't fully get into how much bullshit that all is, but the more you think about it, the angrier it should make you feel for both sides.

Anyway, I've realized as I get older friendships become different. They come from a different place. There isn't as much fear to hide the things we once saw as something that would disconnect us from our peers. Instead it becomes the thing that brings us together.

We more openly share the stories of our scars. The things that once paralyzed us with fear of being different now become the story of who we are, who we have become.

Those friendships that have managed to either survive or resurface from our adolescence suddenly become something new. It's no longer your favorite play date who will giggle about the cute girl or boy in class and make you feel like everything is OK even when they don't know how much it's not. It's now someone who has suffered and conquered great feats.

Maybe some of that comes from being unable to hide it once the rest of the bullshit of the world starts to close in during adulthood, but I'd like to think that it is because we are allowing ourselves to be. We are more forgiving of the past. We understand what is not any fault of our own.

But the stories are there. And most of the time, we never knew.

Meeting people as you age like a fine wine elicits so many more truths. We even find out things that we never knew were happening to the person who just didn't want to be around people. To the person who was the top of the class. To the person who always took care of everyone else.

A lot of us never knew. And some of us still don't.

I lived in such a state of not wanting to be separated from the pack, that I never explored my own valid feelings. I brushed things off as puberty, hormones, the annoying teenagers around me, but I never let myself analyze me.

Even when I was invited to be a part of a math club or the gifted student program, I hid. I didn't want to be seen as something above. What if I failed and let everyone down? What if I couldn't be the person they all thought I could be?

Now I understand my anxiety. I work through it. I don't let it incapacitate me. But back then... I never knew.

I never knew how many of my peers felt the same way.

I never knew how many of my peers had suffered in their home life and that pushed them to be the greatest in school. I never knew how ugly the world could be. But I also never knew the full capacity at which love and acceptance can exist.

I never understood all the different ways I was able to show people that I loved and cared. And I was never able to see them do the same back to me.

Love is given such a monogamous label. "You will love your family and this one romantic partner and no one else!"

Pardon? Why? Why can't I love my friends with the same intensity that I love my partner or family? In fact, why am I forced to love my family? What if they haven't earned my love? Why do I have to love someone who treats me and everyone else like shit? Where is my choice in that?

I know that opens a little bit of a can of worms, particularly for parents who don't love their children. But if you think about it, if those parents weren't told that they need to absolutely love this child no matter what, would they possibly find a healthy way on their own? Or would they be more willing to allow that child to find a home where they could be unconditionally loved?

There are so many fucked up patterns that are passed through generations, and if we are unwilling to heal ourselves, then how can we ever teach our children? Those wounds are passed on no matter how much we try to make their lives better.

So in all the people you meet, take an extra moment to realize there is probably something that you never knew. Let yourself be gracious in their faults, but also allow yourself to walk away.

You don't need to allow yourself to remain in a toxic relationship simply because society says you must. And more importantly, don't remain in a toxic relationship with yourself. Learn to love yourself unconditionally and see how that can spread like wildfire in your life.

I am still at the very early stages of learning to love myself, but I'm getting there. Rather than questioning why the people around me love me so much, I am opening my eyes and loving me, too. I still get angry at times when I don't understand how someone could love me in all my faults, but the logic part of me gets that it's exactly those things that make me who I am. Being aware of the parts that can be improved is the only way to improve them. And being aware of the parts that are fabulous is the only way I will ever understand my own self worth.