I'm at my Capacity

Lately, I've been working on changing how I think about things.

I live in a constant struggle of the voice in my head instantly telling me I'm the reason for things not happening properly or that I'm not worthy of feeling some way or that I'm just enough.

I've been told more than once, "You need to learn to say no to people." Which is great in theory, but in practice, it caused that voice in my head to start loudly telling me why I was failing whomever I said no to and anything that might go wrong would thereafter be my fault.

(I know. Like I said. I'm working on changing that thought process).

Moving on!

So, because of this constant negative cycle of thoughts, I started trying to approach my use of "no" from a different angle. That angle? Putting my needs first.

This still continues to be the biggest struggle for me. When I put myself first, the voice is poking... prodding... "You're being selfish", "You're just making up excuses", "You're weak".

My current solution? "I don't have the capacity to do this for you."

This statement alone provides enough of an explanation as to why I can't do something without requiring much from either party. They don't have to try and argue for me to do it. And I don't have to try and make excuses about why I won't.

It's plain. It's straightforward. It communicates my emotional needs. Often times, it has also resulted in the other person asking if I need something instead (which is not what I'm looking to gain, but the response helps me validate my own needs).

Validating my own needs by analyzing my current emotional capacity. Sounds almost scientific, right?! So what the fuck am I trying to say?

In a moment when asked to do something for someone (whether right then or later on), I look at my schedule. Will I be coming off of a long day/weekend/etc? Is it following a long stretch of not being able to provide myself with a moment? If thinking about the act of helping them causes my chest to tighten or my pulse to increase or my stomach to flip, I probably do not have the capacity to complete their request.

The hard part is what comes next: Validating my "no" to myself.

It starts off with questioning my initial response to the request. "Do I really feel anxiety thinking about this? Or am I just overwhelmed at the idea in this moment?"

The answer is probably "both" for most things. I have been trying to slow things down so much around me, that when an opportunity presents itself, I need to have time to process it. Logic brain is truly helpful in this kind of situation, but logic brain is often much quieter than emotional response brain.

Anyway, what I mean to say in all of this is that learning to give yourself permission to say no to something is okay! Understanding your emotional needs is the best way you are going to be able to be there for someone else's. If you don't understand your own emotional needs, you probably won't know how to protect yourself from situations that will continue to deplete you. Or you won't know how to replenish you.

If you find yourself in a place of feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to analyze your schedule. See if you're allowing yourself the time to replenish. If you have reached your capacity, how can you change what you're communicating to people so both parties can understand without feeling hurt or offended or guilty?

What can you do for yourself in 5 minutes a day that will allow you to replenish your life and rejuvenate some of your capacity?

Maybe it's sleeping extra 5 minutes. Maybe it's meditation. Playing that mobile game. Reading that novel. Watching that show.

We all have this constant struggle of being told we need to be doing more all the time. But can you just sit and focus on one task? Does that help you or hurt you?

Figure out what it is that heals you, and go for it. Give yourself permission to do it.