Giving Thanks

As the first of the holidays wind down, I find myself reflecting on many things.

Once again, I have found myself dealing with grief, loss, feeling generally lost with my purpose.

As I was driving the other day, I went through memories of school. I thought back on who I knew, and who I just assumed didn't know me. There was this sense of being invisible that I used to protect myself. If I wasn't fully seen, then no one could take away who I was.

Recently, I binged a Netflix series that came out months ago. I kept meaning to watch it, and life kept preventing the proper state of mind where I felt like I could enjoy it. So, I waited. And I'm honestly really glad that I did.

I know there are probably lots of opinions on this show, Umbrella Academy, but what I take from it can't be judged. It is for me and no one else. This is why I continue to argue that I won't let go of the books and movies I enjoyed in the past. They gave me something, and for that, they are forever part of me. Even if only in the deepest depths.

Anyway, there is a character who is a bit of a loner. He throws himself fully into addiction and hides his pain with humor. At first, I couldn't place what was drawing me to him. Do I feel sorry for him? Do I want him to succeed and overcome this? Do I just want him to know that he has worth?

And the more I questioned the magnetism and the more I learned about the character, the more I understood that I was cheering for him because there was something that reminded him of me. He both felt invisible and made himself invisible because he didn't know how to process what he was gifted with in this world. There was a strength and innocence behind his pain, and I wanted nothing more than for him to succeed.

What does this have to do with being thankful? Well, had I watched this show earlier in the year, I don't think I would have taken anything from him other than the quirky shenanigans were a great way to tie the characters together. But here, as we come to the end of 2019, I found solace in what the character had to offer. I found the connection of feeling so invisible only to realize that you're actually not just from one simple act of someone from the past.

As these thoughts started spinning through my head, I found myself in another conversation about the state of the world and how harsh the lessons have been. "Maybe the universe is forcing people to come out as leaders so that we can guide people into this next phase." It feels like a huge shift is coming, and I have found the less I fight it, the more I am gifted with peace.

Instead of fighting against the world, I am fighting for it. I am fighting for me. I am fighting for a better place for those around me. I am putting one foot into that shoe that begs me to step in front and take charge. I'm finding my strength. I'm trusting my capabilities... At least for a brief moment. Rather than trying to hide and become invisible, I am feeling the pain of what life can be while also feeling the light that it can be.

So, despite the struggles, loss, pain, grief, flat out bullshit that this year has offered to me, I am learning to see the good that is coming from it. I am accepting that it's ok to be vulnerable. If I show my cracks, someone else will know that it's ok that they also have some. Even if I'm just showing them behind my words, both spoken and written, if it provides some sense of hope and determination... Well, I just hope that it does.

My dear 2019. My nemesis. My greatest teacher. My unending lessons. I thank you.

I thank you for strengthening my resolve and helping me to realize that I can be capable of nearly anything. Thank you for helping me to see the love that I am surrounded by. Thank you for allowing me to find a strength and confidence that pushes me to act, even if just for a moment.

And to you. The amazing humans who gaze upon my words. I thank you for existing. I thank you for continuing to fight when this world has probably left you feeling hopeless more than once. I hope these holidays you are able to take at least a moment to catch a glimpse of the amazing parts that exist in your life.

I hope that you continue to read those books, watch those movies, dance, sing, write, draw, paint, play music, whatever it may be that allows you to reach out and connect in ways that social media and technology may have barred us from unintentionally. Find that wonder you once had and let yourself be engulfed in it.

May these upcoming holidays bring you peace, if only for a moment. I wish you all well.