"Despression isn't always obvious"

This post comes as my first in what I assume will probably be many. It was mental health awareness day last year (October 2018), and I came across this video. It gave me the push that I needed to share what I felt like was drowning me.

11 months ago I was struggling. I thought that a collection of situations around me were causing depression. I spoke to my doctor, and she diagnosed me with "reactive depression". She suggested some homeopathic remedies, exercise, prescription medications, and counseling.

I didn't want to allow myself to be someone that had to take a prescription pill. I had no issues with others doing it, but I refused my own self care. So, I tried one homeopathic option. And I attempted to exercise on my own. While I started to feel some of my fight return, I was hopeful. The Darkness that was dragging me down was losing.

But it dragged me back down. My depression and anxiety quickly took over again.

When I finally made the decision to see a therapist, part of me begged for it to happen. But the louder part told me it was for something else. I planned a session as a group, but I was the only one who came. I spent my first two sessions angry vomiting all of the words. I thought that was it. I'd feel better. Those had to be the things bothering me.

But by the third session, I was asked to fill out some assessments. I could see that the results were going to return severe depression and anxiety, and I knew it wasn't just because of recent events. I took a step back and tried to look at my life differently.

Around the same time, I also started a workout challenge. If other people were holding me accountable, I would be unable to let them down. I knew it was something I couldn't resist. So I did it. And it was fucking hard. But I pushed through.

As my therapy went on along side of that, I learned more about me and my coping mechanisms to my depression and anxiety. My mom sent me some poems that I had written in high school and I saw the same struggle through the darkness that I felt now. I understood that this wasn't just a reaction to events. This was part of me. I had been spending my life finding ways to mask my depression and anxiety with parts of who I am now. But the biggest mistake was not feeling like I was allowed to be that person.

I had to be Danielle. I had to be perfect. People had to see that I would never let them down. My struggle with suicide, depression, and anxiety were brushed aside and buried so that I could take care of everyone else.

But I realized that my writing allowed me to release. I didn't have to hold anyone else up. It was just me and my thoughts. In dance, I often have a hard time letting go because I feel like everyone relies on me. I can't just release and do it for me. That would be selfish. But no one expects anything from my writing. It let's me heal unjudged by anyone, especially me.

Now I am finding ways to forgive my anxiety. Forgive my depression. I give myself permission to have these parts of me. The Darkness doesn't drag me down. It's heavy, and a lot of times I can't fight it alone. But I'm learning to allow others to help. To lift me up. If I struggle in the quicksand alone, it eats me alive. But if I pause, and call for help, I can make it out.

While I will probably never be someone who doesn't have this darkness inside, I am learning to live with it. I'm accepting that it's there. I'm facing it. I'm not blindly fighting, but I'm turning to look the darkness in the face. Sometimes I take its hand and let it walk with me. At least then I know where it is. And it's there. Always a part of me.

So if you find that you are struggling and maybe you don't know why, take a moment for yourself. Give yourself permission to release through some sort of art. Write. Paint. Dance. Sing. Play music. Something. If that doesn't help, talk to an animal, a friend, a loved one, a stranger! Try to find something that works for you. Love yourself first. If we don't love all of us, how can we truly love others?

I hope you all take a moment this day to remember how special you are. How beautiful you are. How much someone appreciates you existing. <3